dear gentle friends,
The idea of home has been sitting with me for weeks now. ‘Tis the season. In much of the globe, many of us are trying to get home for the holidays. And, for far too many other humans on the planet, there is no home to go to because of war, civil unrest and natural disaster.
And in my small and personal way, I’m thinking about home because I’m helping my dad move out of the home he shared with my mom for the last two decades of their life together into an apartment in an assisted living community.
While my dad was in rehabilitation following a hospital stay, we had to decide what he wanted to take with him to his new apartment. I could have predicted almost everything on the list. I’ve known the man my entire life, after all. But then he added something that made no sense to me: a black Chinoiserie filing cabinet. He had never used it. It’s full of my mom’s sheet music. When I asked if he wanted the music, he said no. I was perplexed, but there were so many details to be handled that I forgot about the cabinet entirely until a few days later when we were finalizing details for the move.
He said, out of the blue, “Your Mom loved that black cabinet in the music room.”
Ah.
That cabinet was home.
That cabinet in the music room is an essence of home for my dad. And it’s the spark for a practice that I’m adopting as I fly back and forth between Salt Lake and New York at a more frequent rate than is strictly pleasant. I’d like to become one of those humans who feels at home wherever they are, or, at the very least, knows how to find the feeling of home when necessary.
(1) Get curious about what home feels like for you
We all feel at home in difference ways. When I define the feeling for myself, it’s walking into my grandma’s living room as a kid. She would look up from her needlework, eyes sparkling through oversized glasses. Every molecule of me felt seen, accepted and loved. That’s how home feels. Maybe for you, there’s a memory with your brother or the smell of something your grandpa baked. Maybe it’s a song you listened to with your best friend in high school. Find it, and let that feeling settle in.
(2) Find the person(s)/place(s)/thing(s) that spark at home-ness
Lawyers talk about “belts and suspenders” to convey the idea that there are instances when it is prudent to have backups that serve the same purpose. When it comes to ways to help ourselves feel calm and at peace in unfamiliar and uncomfortable circumstances, I absolutely support a belts-and-suspenders approach. Keep your favorite book of poetry on your phone *and* that favorite song *and* the mantra you’ve recited thousands of time *and* your lucky socks. The goal may be to create that peaceful calm without any props, but I’m all in favor of using whatever tools work to help you be your most peaceful, kind and wise self wherever you are.
(3) Practice distilling the essence
It always comes down to practice, doesn’t it? After a few years of making it a practice to read something by Thích Nhất Hạnh in long lines at the airport, I can you that I feel far more at home than I used to. I’m able to see humanity and humor in situations that used to irritate me. The more often you cultivate a habit, the easier it gets and the faster you feel results. If there’s a song that makes you feel at home, pop in your earbuds the next time you’re some place a little uncomfortable. Then try just thinking the lyrics. Play with the process until it works for you.
When we feel at home — even when we’re not actually at home — we’re a wiser and kinder version of ourselves than when we feel discombobulated, anxious, or irritated. So, I’m going to keep practicing. Literally. When this posts, I’ll be headed for another JFK-SLC flight and another chance to practice being at home wherever.
warmly,
alison
