dear friends,
Do you ever have a knot in the pit of your stomach for no particular reason? Then, in an effort to make that distinctly unpleasant sensation go away, you think about it: Did you forget to do something important? Was the comment your boss made a criticism? Why hasn’t your best friend responded to your text? Are you headed for failure on that new project?
Sound familiar?
At the beginning of February, I embarked on a new meditation practice inspired by reading Mark Williams and Danny Penman’s Deeper Mindfulness: The New Way to Rediscover Calm in a Chaotic World. Williams is emeritus professor of clinical psychology at Oxford, and Penman is a mindfulness expert. It’s a smart book.
While I love my routine morning meditation — which generally starts with some breathing exercises, then mantras and a version of the five remembrances, finishing with insight meditation — I’m also a believer that it’s good to shake things up every now and then. And Williams and Penman’s book is all about disrupting the relationship between the knot in my stomach and the ruminating that seemed to inexorably follow.
Deeper Mindfulness focuses on something that was unfamiliar to me: vedana or feeling tone practice. Identifying feeling tones is not categorically different from identifying thoughts or emotions, but I quickly discovered that the challenge for me was less about identifying the feeling tone and more about getting hooked in a swirl of thoughts about the sensation itself. Almost as soon as I could label a feeling as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral, I found myself trying to explain and analyze. And even though I understand that ruminating and worrying doesn’t actually improve any of the situations that are the source of rumination and worry, I found myself getting tangled up in my own thoughts over and over again. That’s where the counterintuitive genius of Williams and Penman’s work comes in: learning to think more skillfully can’t get you untangled from your circling thoughts, but learning to feel more skillfully can.
This is all still very new to me, but the effects of this practice are extraordinary. In a matter of minutes, it can bring you back to your calmer, kinder, wiser self. It also has the lovely cumulative effect of loosening the grip of judgment and expanding the capacity to experience life as it is.
So, here’s my quick-and-easy vedana practice:
(1) Ask yourself if what you’re feeling in this moment is pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. This question immediately pulls you out of your head. It asks you to get curious about what is happening right where you are. The question is simple, but if you’ve lived in your head for a while, you may need some time to re-acquaint yourself with how and when feeling tones show up in your body.
Some feeling tones are immediately obvious, like the pleasantness of receiving a genuine compliment from someone you admire or the unpleasantness of being damp and cold on a windy day (tip of the hat if being damp and cold is pleasant for you). Some feeling tones may be more subtle, like the distant drone of traffic or the thought of emptying the dishwasher. Don’t get bogged down if you can’t identify a specific feeling tone. Think of the identification process like watching waves: it doesn’t matter if you miss one, there will be more. Don’t overthink it, just practice whenever you remember: putting on your shoes in the morning (neutral); taking a bite of birthday cake (pleasant); stubbing your toe (unpleasant). You’ll get good at this in no time.
(2) Remind yourself that “it’s okay to like this” and also “it’s okay not to like this.” The second step is magic because it explicitly gives you permission to feel what you’re feeling. That express consent might seem unnecessary for some, but for those of us who grew up in communities where we learned to judge and be judged by our thoughts and feelings, it is positively radical. Whether you say these sentences aloud or simply think them, their power lies in separating identification from judgment. You create space by being aware and acceptant of what is there: “The tightness in my chest is unpleasant, and it’s okay not to like this.” Unless you have a reason to inquire further, you can leave it at that. The feeling tone frequently dissipates once it’s acknowledged.
(3) Practice as often as you can. In just two months, I’ve dramatically decreased the amount of time I spend with my circling thoughts. The more you practice, the more relaxed and confident you become because you create a trust in yourself that no matter what feeling you encounter, you can sit with it until it shifts. It doesn’t take much practice before you find that the grip rumination loosens. You’re able to clearly identify what is going on in your internal and external world without letting worry, anxiety and judgment take over. And when they do, which they will from time to time, you can gently say, “this feeling tone is unpleasant, and it’s okay not to like it” and move on to the next moment in your day.
That’s it for this week! I do hope this practice helps you to move through your days with more ease and happiness.
warmly,
alison
