dear friends,
Four years ago, the whole planet underwent an enormous experiment. It’ll probably take a few centuries before humans have enough perspective to parse the exact consequences of the pandemic, but I think there’s one thing we can agree on: it was really hard to be pulled away from connection. The human animal is a social one — yes, even the introverted among us. Not only do we like to connect, we need to. And this innate human quality is both why we created instantaneous global communication, and why most of us struggle with its impacts.
Technological capabilities will continue to evolve (AI anyone?) and the legal landscape will change, meanwhile, each of us has to navigate our own way in this virtual world every single day. And it’s a challenge to manage social media skillfully without being mesmerized by all those shiny baubles or pulled down by the darkness.
When I first started thinking deeply about my relationship with social media, I realized that its “virtualness” is one of the things that makes it slippery. One of the reasons gentleness is so helpful for accessing presence is that it grounds you in the physical. We all know exactly what it means to be touched gently and to touch gently. Even the most rambunctious child who wants to hold a kitten instinctively knows what it means to “be gentle.” It’s easy to imagine little human hands tenderly touching the tiny creature. Unlike the real world where we engage all our senses, the online universe is dominated by the visual and verbal. We experience it in a disembodied way. It’s hard to feel your own feelings when you’ve been sucked into the screen. And when you lose the sense of how you are feeling in the moment you’re feeling it, it’s difficult to be gentle with yourself or with others.
Here are the practices I use to bring me back to humanness when I’m in the virtual universe:
(1) Actively practice Freudenfreude. Nothing like a good German compound noun to get straight to the point. The exact translation would be joyful joy or happy happiness, but the concept is more in keeping with the ancient idea Buddhists call Muditā, which simply means vicarious joy. When I start to catch up on my feed, I think the words (and sometimes say them) may you continue to be successful and prosperous; may you be happy and free from suffering. I’ll admit, when I first started this practice the words seemed awkward. The whole idea of cultivating feeling happy for someone else seemed strange…and yet it was so clear to me that this was part of approaching the virtual world with gentleness that I kept at it. After a few months, it felt less awkward and now, four years on, it’s nearly automatic.
This doesn’t mean you’ll never feel a pang jealousy or the irresistible urge to roll your eyes — I certainly do — but with practice, the Freudenfreude habit does take hold. And an added bonus is that when you focus on feeling joy for others when you’re online, you become more skilled at feeling joy in general. Soon you’ll find yourself enjoying the nice things that happen in your life, too, simply because you’re paying more attention to what brings joy.
(2) Work up your equanimity stamina. Living gently requires us to respond to bad behavior without engaging in it ourselves. That is not an easy task. In a world where everyone seems to be screaming at each other online, it’s hard to not to yell louder than the next person. But if you can manage not to succumb to that natural instinct, you start to build your own reserve of peace. You can witness the rant without being taken in by it. And, in the process, you join a global society of people who practice having different opinions without dehumanizing each other.
How?
Think about the puppy. I’m serious. That’s exactly what I do when I find that I’ve let my anger at another person take over. I literally imagine this human taking care of a puppy. If I’m really mad, I imagine this person taking care of an injured puppy. The idea is to find a reminder that resonates. Find your something that reminds you that every human — yes, even that #$%@ person — wants happiness, health, love, and safety. Just like you.
(3) Reclaim human time. Our world celebrates the hustle. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that action is always preferable to inaction, and faster is always better than slower. But, I’m going to make an argument for letting life settle. Much of the time, if not most, the wise response is to slow down. If you’re doubtful, please see Exhibit A: Any argument that has gone viral online. How often are those rapid-fire tirades persuasive once the heat of anger has cooled?
When I first started this practice, I imposed a waiting period. The time varied depending on the urgency of the situation—sometimes I measured in minutes and sometimes in months. When you start practicing yourself, you’ll get a sense of what is skillful for you. It’s fine to write in anger (although be aware of adding to an anger spiral), then wait. And wait some more, at least until you’re composed. If there is a legitimate point, you’ll make it more effectively with a calm head. And if there isn’t a legitimate point? Ah, this where you can put down what doesn’t serve you (or the world). Leave the message unsent or unposted. Consider deleting it entirely. Then move on, at your own pace, to the next thing.
(4) Consider taking a pause from the virtual world. We’re all a little like high school students desperate for our first unchaperoned party. We imagine being part of a sophisticated group of cosmopolitan young people discussing important ideas while sipping cocktails. In reality, that soiree is a bunch of sweaty kids crammed into a basement, gossiping about friends while drinking warm rum and Cokes. Let’s be honest: The virtual world just doesn’t live up to the hype. Seeing a photo of the most amazing sunset taken by the world’s premier photographer is no match for watching the sun set in real life. Take a break from the two-dimensional world of the screen. Get some perspective, then decide if, how, and when to return. Get specific in your decisions and pay attention to how you feel each time you’re online. Revise your approach as things change.
That’s it for this week! May you all experience some Freude and some Freudenfreude this week.
warmly,
alison
