dear friends,
Some weeks coming up with a topic that intersects with gentleness is easy, and sometimes it really isn’t. This week was easy. Not because the practice is actually easy for me, but because I struggle with it often—it’s an old friend who loves me despite all my flaws and reminds me of what I frequently forget.
Gentle self-discipline isn’t a tool you need all the time. In fact, much of its power comes from knowing clearly what it is and using it only when necessary. This is not the tool to use when, in the immortal words of Han Solo to Luke Skywalker, you wake up in the morning feeling “strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark.” This is the tool for when you are not feeling that way.
This is the tool you reach for in two main situations: when you’ve been pushing as hard as you can and when you can’t seem to get yourself to push at all.
Gentle self-discipline isn’t about slacking or forcing, it’s about being intentional.
How to tell when it’s time to rely on gentle self-discipline?
(1) Are you “this close” to throwing in the towel (she holds her thumb and forefinger so close together that they almost touch)? It you’re pushing yourself hard because you can’t help yourself (you’re excited about the project and don’t even notice. yay!), you don’t need gentle self-discipline. But, if you’re pushing yourself and it feels heavy; you’re snapping at your loved ones, and you dread working toward the goal, well, that’s not-so-yay. This is the time for gentle self-discipline.
When you’re a this end of the spectrum, what you need is rest and clarity. Two things that are hard to come by when you’re pushing to the point of exhaustion and defeatism. This is the time for the nurturing aspect of gentleness to take center stage. Give yourself as much of a break as you can given whatever your goal is. If you’re training for a marathon with a set date, it’s probably not wise to stop training altogether, but you can cut the length of your long runs on the weekends. If you’re writing a novel with no publication date, you may be able to put yourself on sabbatical from the project for a few weeks or even months. In both instances, the goal is to give yourself time to rest and restore. At some point, generally, one of two things will happen: you’ll find the enthusiasm you had for the goal in the first place and come back stronger; or you’ll realize that this goal isn’t really for you after all. There isn’t a right or wrong outcome, there is only what is skillful for you.
(2) Are you struggling to get yourself going? At the other end of the spectrum are those times when you have a goal that you care about, but you just can’t seem to get any momentum. I’ll be honest here, when I’m having a hard time getting myself into the swing of a things, it’s frequently because I’ve chosen a goal for external reasons. I’ve chosen a goal I only think I care about. For decades I told myself I was going to “polish up my French,” I bought workbooks, found language programs, and created many detailed study schedules. And, you know what? I didn’t ever make it past a few weeks of effort because, deep down, it didn’t really matter to me. I just liked the idea of being one of those people who spoke beautiful French.
But there are times when it’s hard to get going toward goals we care deeply about. In my experience, when things really matter to us they can also be scary. We want to do well and we’re afraid of how bad it will feel if we fail. If this is where you are, gentle self-discipline shows up like a dear friend. Gentle self-discipline is the voice that says, “Don’t beat yourself up. This is hard. You don’t need to build the entire website for your jewelry business this weekend, but it would be great if you can spend fifteen minutes every night this week researching jewelry websites and paying attention to what you like and don’t.” Can you sense the difference between that voice and the harsh voice most of us are familiar with? The harsh voice will make you feel bad, constricted, less-than. This gentle voice is supportive and open. If you’re anything like me, you’ll respond much better to the latter.
That’s it for this week! I wish you all the best in whatever goals you’re working towards. And I hope that gentle self-discipline is as helpful for you as it is for me.
warmly,
alison
