dear gentle friends,
I have a confession to make: There are some people in my life that I just don’t like all that much. And by “in my life,” I’m talking about people who are interwoven into my larger family/friend/professional circles — a colleague from work or a brother-in-law. I’m not talking about people who are objectively damaging or toxic. I’m talking about perfectly fine human beings with interesting hobbies, good friends who adore them and family who love them. But, for one reason or another, they’re just not my cup of tea.
And, believe me, I know that I’m certainly not everyone’s cup of tea either.
But, the fact that people annoy or irritate, doesn’t make it skillful to treat them poorly. And as we head into a season of get-togethers and celebrations of all kinds, I don’t want to spend my valuable energy either biting my tongue so I don’t say anything I’ll regret or, worse, live with a snarky-comment-or-rude-outburst hangover.
I’m coming back to what I call my “pizza practice.”
Okay, talking about pizza when you’re heading to a party with a condescending brother-in-law may seem unhelpful, but bear with me while I explain.
Pretty much everyone loves pizza. Some eat it with gluten-free crusts, some like it without cheese. Some people like white pizza with garlic and others want pineapple and ham. There are thin-crust-coal-oven-Margherita types and lovers of deep dish with sausage and pepperoni. The list is close to endless…corn and barbecue sauce, anyone?
The reason it’s good to focus on pizza is that we all know our preferences aren’t at all that important in the grand scheme of life. It’s that you-eat-your-pizza-your-way-and-i’ll-eat-mine-my-way vibe that helps me handle interactions with my not-favorite people with more gentleness and ease.
(1) Think pizza
If you find yourself judging another person’s innocuous preferences: pause. And then think about pizza. Is white pizza with arugula objectively superior to red sauce and mushrooms? Exactly. Sometimes all you need is a little reminder to open up space for you to get over yourself and any judgment you’re holding about the person who rubs you the wrong way.
(2) Use curiosity as an antidote
When you’re in a conversation with this person, it’s easy to shift into a mode where you’re perfectly pleasant but distant. This isn’t a bad practice when it’s your only option because you’re too depleted to do anything else, but if you have the emotional bandwidth, use your curiosity as an antidote to annoyance. Remind yourself that in any conversation with another human being there is an opportunity to learn something new—about them, about you, about the world. When you drop into curiosity, your body relaxes into nonjudgmental alertness, which is a good place to be in any conversation.
(3) Master the art of apologizing
A conversation with a person who naturally irritates you is a great opportunity for growth. If things go well, congratulations! You’re learning to navigate life with more ease and gentleness. If, on the other hand, something pops out of your mouth that you wish hadn’t, congratulations! You’re going to learn to apologize well. When you find yourself on the other side of a sentence you wish you could take back, acknowledge what happened and apologize with honesty and specificity. Say something like, “Did I just say that? Goodness, that was snarky/thoughtless/obnoxious of me. I’m sorry.” This doesn’t work for serious conversation missteps, but it’s a helpful practice for the times when things just come out wrong. We can never take back the pain we cause when we say something that hurts another person, but acknowledging what we did is a good way to set things right. Even if the person you’re talking to doesn’t want to accept your apology, you can be at peace knowing you owned up to what you said and tried to make amends.
(4) Give yourself credit for trying
Talking to people we don’t like isn’t easy, but it’s an everyday part of life. Learning to do so with equanimity and good will is both skillful and wise. Don’t beat yourself up over every misstep. Focus on the win, no matter how tiny. The simple and very difficult practice of trying to more gentle and less harsh is something to celebrate…and those small acts of kindness are contagious.
Let’s start spreading some gentle good will to all…even the people who aren’t our cup of tea. Who knows? You may expand your tea preferences along the way.
warmly,
alison
