One of my favorite inspirational writers, Martha Beck, famously spent a year only speaking what was true. What she experienced during those twelve months led her to make some rather dramatic life changes. As she has shared in her writing, when you commit yourself to honesty, you start to see the world in a whole different light.
Gentleness works in much the same way. You’ll feel out of alignment when you assume the worst in people or mumble something snarky under your breath. My mind used to swirl with constant criticism aimed at both myself and other people. Sometimes I’d rail against life in general. (“It shouldn’t be this way!”) It’s not a pleasant or skillful way to live, be, or communicate.
Now, when something makes me want to berate a person/place/thing, my practice is to use gentleness as a litmus test to determine whether I have a valid point or if I’m being carried away by annoyance, resentment, or anger.
(1) Can you think this gently? When I sense that I’m caught up in anger, I ask myself if I can think the same thing in a gentle way. “That stupid #@$ company who guaranteed I’d get that super cool game before my daughter’s party” becomes “The company didn’t deliver the super cool game in time for my daughter’s party, as guaranteed.” Feel the difference? If the harsh thought is aimed at you, treat it exactly the same way. It’s sometimes harder to offer yourself gentleness, but it’s critical that you do. When you learn to be a gentle friend to yourself, it becomes far easier to be a gentle friend to others.
(2) Can you say this gently? If one of your work colleagues is late again on a project, it’s tempting to complain to everyone who will listen, “You can’t rely on that self-centered, lazy, incompetent Ronald.” Instead, if you need to say something, what you say becomes, “Ronald has a pattern of turning in work late.” When you strip away the anger and fault-finding, you’re left with a more accurate reflection of reality. You will actually see the world more clearly. And when you see clearly, you’ll want to speak gently — with honesty, kindness, and wisdom.
… and if there’s no gentle way to say it, maybe it doesn’t need to be said at all.
This is a subtle practice, but the results have been rather remarkable for me. Instead of feeling like I’m at the whim of every annoyance that heads my way, I have a practice to ride out the negative energy without drowning in it or passing it on to others. Irritating things still happen all the time, but when you ask yourself these two simple questions, you can connect with your wiser and more peaceful self almost immediately. Give it a try for a week, and let me know how it goes!
