dear gentle friends,
We’re living in tough times. That’s news to no one. The foundational beliefs that connect us to our fellow humans seem rather frayed right now, and it’s easy to think that there’s nothing we can do. But it’s that phrase “easy to think” that gives me hope. We humans share that ability to think and believe, and what we think and believe matters. Our beliefs undergird what we say and how we say it, what we do and how we do it, and what we value and how we value it.
Still, it’s hard to talk about beliefs. Many of us unconsciously think our beliefs are immutable, like blood type. But, in real life, we actually change what we believe all the time—what we think looks cool (low-rise, high-waisted), tastes good (red velvet, matcha), is funny (Three Stooges, Sarah Silverman). If we can change what we believe about about these everyday things without much effort, then with a little exertion we’re certainly capable of making changes to things that matter. And this matters.
Living gently is about mending breaks, healing wounds, and tending to what needs tending. I choose to believe that we can take old beliefs, pick up the pieces of what has broken and make something more beautiful.
The practice I come back to is inspired by the Japanese art of mending pottery with gold, aka kintsugi. As a philosophy, it centers on the idea that breakage and repair are a necessary part of existence. The golden lines that bind the cracks in a vase are seen as beautiful rather than as something needing to be hidden. Instead of pretending that nothing breaks, let’s embrace the art of mending ourselves and our world.
Here’s my current practice, and I come back to it often:
(1) Take responsibility for what you believe
Take a clear look at your beliefs to see if there is something that needs repair. It’s tempting to think our own beliefs are perfect; it’s everyone else who needs to fix theirs. But what if that’s not entirely accurate? For me, this step meant taking a close look at my thought short-cuts, the automatic associations I make when I process information — progressive/conservative, believer/non-believer, Democrat/Republican, chocolate/vanilla, city/rural, coastal elites/Real Americans.
When I looked closely, what I saw was that those categories don’t reflect what really matters … well, except for chocolate. If you value honesty, non-violence, and compassion, then support those things. If that means letting go of something you used to support — a political party, an organization, a religion, a public figure — embrace that. It means you’re learning and growing.
(2) Acknowledge the cracks
Accepting that people, causes, or organizations you once supported no longer reflect your values is difficult and uncomfortable. There are a lot of loud voices out there peddling the delusion that not changing one’s mind is a virtue, a sign of strength. Think about that for a moment. It’s the old battleship/lighthouse parable. Would you admire the captain for running the ship aground because he stood by his original (wrong) conviction? Please don’t let yourself or anyone else make you feel embarrassed or ashamed that you’re learning from life.
Instead, delight in using gold to mend your belief system. Have compassion for your past self, while staying grounded in your values and the reality of the world around us. This practice isn’t easy — well, it certainly isn’t for me — but I’m finding that the more I do it, the easier it gets. I’m also beginning to see the beauty in the golden zigzags of my broken-and-mended belief systems.
(3) Share the gold
When your wholesome values and principles are aligned with your underlying beliefs, you’ll feel a quiet sense of confidence and freedom. When you hold your own beliefs lightly, and are comfortable updating priors, you can calmly and happily spend time with people who don’t share your beliefs. The more of us who can do that, the more of us will be able to listen to each other and learn. I’ve never been disappointed when I resist the temptation to explain my own position and instead ask with a sincere desire to understand: “Please explain to me what you mean” or “Can you tell me a little more about why you feel/think this way?”
Mending what is broken creates a space of conversation and collaboration, a space of healing and growth. When we’re able to be flexible, it lets others know that they don’t need to be guarded or defended. There will be more breaks to come because that is the nature of life, but we can take them in stride if we accept what is broken and know how to mend it.
Let me know how this practice unfolds for you!
warmly,
alison
p.s.
If you’re interested in this topic, you may enjoy SE E279 of Being Well with Forrest Hanson “How to Change Your Perspective.”
