dear gentle friends,
Have you been here? Mindlessly scrolling on your device of choice when you see that photo: someone standing on a balcony overlooking azure water at sunset with a glass of champagne. You haven’t thought about this person since college, you don’t much care for beach vacations, and the bubbles in champagne give you a headache. And still something inside clenches. Why aren’t you standing on a balcony overlooking azure water with a glass of champagne? See above.
And, yet.
Religion, myth, even fairy tales warn us of the dangers of comparing ourselves to others. No one could possibly want to be the Queen in Snow White, spending her days staring into a mirror craving to be told that she is the fairest of them all. It’s obvious how deeply miserable she is. And even though Schneewittchen was published in 1812 the story still resonates. Why? Because in today’s world of easy access to talking mirrors, we all know what it feels like to be tempted by the deeply human craving to compare ourselves to others. But, the fact that something is deeply human doesn’t make it skillful.
So, how to gently unhook?
Here’s what I’m practicing:
(1) Be Grimmy, not Grimhilde
I used to have a hard time even admitting that I felt envy or a desire to compare. It’s not a good look, but my wiser self knows that I have to be honest about all my parts, including this one. May I present to you: Grimmy, short for Queen Grimhilde. Sure, the queen in Snow White is a conniving monarch with some serious violent tendencies, but I imagine an alternate fairy tale ending. My Grimmy has the agency to turn away from the mirror. Instead of being consumed with comparing herself to her beautiful step-daughter, I imagine Grimmy wishing the pretty young thing well and then heading off for a fabulous weekend with her friends and forgetting all about Snow White.
(2) If Grimhilde has a deeper message, get curious
Most of the time, the unhappiness we feel when we stare in the mirror is the natural result of comparing our own messy, three-dimensional lives to someone else’s highly-curated simulacrum. But every now and then, the unhappiness comes from ignoring a part of you that matters. Sometimes, that image of the person on the balcony shines a light on something you actually would like to do, create, change, or be. If you feel like Grimhilde every time you hear about a colleague who started her own business, maybe this feeling is trying to nudge you. Only you can tell the difference between unhealthy comparison and an unfulfilled goal. Get inquisitive.
(3) Put the mirror down…or at least peer into it a little less
The device is always there, usually within easy reach. Sometimes it actually does lift our spirits. It always delivers distraction. But most of the time, it makes us feel bad. We all felt this even before the social scientific research confirmed it. The more time we spend on our social media apps, the more depressed, inauthentic, and performative our lives become. If you haven’t already done so, check out the Science of Well-Being course by Laurie Santos of Yale University. She makes a very persuasive case for shifting your relationship to your social media apps. You don’t have to lock the mirror away, but you might want to give a rest from time to time. (After I finished Santos’ course about three years ago, I moved all my social apps to the second page of my phone which makes me aware of each time I choose to open one up and scroll.)
Live your life with you as your only measure. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you’re the fairest of them all — you’re simply and marvelously you.
Let me know how it goes!
warmly,
alison
