dear gentle friends,
It’s that time of year. Again.
Maybe you’re someone who can’t imagine New Year’s Day without resolutions, or maybe you find the entire tradition to be a ridiculous cultural artifact. Maybe you fall somewhere in between.
I’m a birthday resolution girl. Have been since I was a teenager. My birthday is in early February, so I start thinking about goals at the end of the calendar year. I mull them over in January, and then put pen to paper a few days before my birthday. This year, like the last few, the state of the world has weighed down my goal-making energy, but I’m going to make some birthday resolutions anyway. I tend to be a bit happier when I have something to work toward every year.
For decades, I set SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound. This is a great starting point, but the goal-centered approach often left me feeling like a failure at the first stumble. When you’re in the goal-setting frame of mind, it’s easy to imagine a perfect version of yourself and your life as you move toward the change you want to make. This imaginary goal-setting world usually doesn’t include traffic jams, sick children, or aging parents. There aren’t any last-minute work emergencies, or illnesses or injuries. In other words, you aren’t imaging your actual life.
When the primary focus is reaching the goal, anything that doesn’t align with the end result becomes a problem. Real life becomes a problem.
But, when you add gentleness to the mix, the focus of effort fundamentally shifts. Real life is welcome. The desired result remains important, but approaching a goal gently means that you balance process with outcome. You can move toward your goal, and also be a real human with an often-imperfect and frequently-messy life.
Since I adopted this approach over three years ago, my success rate with my personal goals has gone up, and my anxiety about those goals has gone down. Even unease about not setting goals has dissolved.
And the practice is simple.
Let me introduce: Off-Ramps and On-Ramps.
The dictionary defines the word ramp as “a slope for joining two different levels.” When it comes to goals, ramps can be tailored to any and every aspect of the process. The concept is simple: plan for times when you’ll need to slow down or stop and times when you’re ready to get back up the speed. And then embrace the truth that slowing down, stopping, speeding up and slowing down again is often the most skillful way to move toward your goal.
Here’s my version:
(1) Set your goal. This step can and should be very specific, like a resolution I set a few years ago to meditate every morning for 30 minutes. I set out the specifics: spot (my pale blue Zabuton and Zafu live near an east-facing window in the corner of our dining room), time (morning, right after my workout), and success measure (at least 5 days a week).
(2) Take your goal and create a goal range. It doesn’t take much imagination to see that at some point I wasn’t going to be able to sit for 30 minutes for five mornings in a week. So, I created a range goal of 5-45 minutes, four to seven days a week, any time of day (and included walking meditation as an option because it can be done at an airport).
When you create a range of what constitutes success, it encourages a deeper personal engagement with the goal. With my meditation goal, my priority was to make meditation a regular part of my life. Creating a range that made it easy for me was more important than setting a high bar. Giving myself permission to sit for only 5 minutes made it much more likely that I would carve out those five minutes on a time-crunch day than a 30-minute goal. Refining your goal by setting a range helps clarify what you value about the goal you’re setting.
(3) Plan your off-ramps. What makes an off-ramp different from stopping is the mindful recognition that you are taking an off-ramp. A few months ago, when my father’s health took a turn for the worse, I expressly gave myself permission to take an off-ramp when it came to my exercise routine. The counterintuitive result was that instead of feeling that exercise was another thing on my to-do list, I relished every time I was able to find 20-30 minutes for an on-line barre class in a hotel room or a walk around the block.
Sometimes we need to rest, refuel, recuperate, handle an emergency or visit a friend. The detour may last a few hours, days or a few years. It doesn’t matter because there will always another on ramp. Don’t let the inner critic tell you a wise detour is a failure. It isn’t.
(4) Plan your on-ramps. On some level, we all know the wisdom behind Heraclitus’ observation that you can’t step in the same river twice. Life is ever-changing. There is no way to get back to where we were. Somehow, though, when we step off a track, our inner critic tells us that the only right thing to do is get back to where we were as soon as possible.
Tell that inner critic to relax.
Then, make some on-ramp plans. There are only two requirements for on-ramps: the first is that you are gentle with yourself as you get back up to speed, and the second is that if you need to slow down again, that’s okay.
I’m currently nursing a leg injury which has kept me off my bike — and mostly off my feet — for a few days now. My on-ramp plans include gentle and very short rides and non-cycling exercise that doesn’t cause any pain. Until I’m ready for my on-ramp, which as I write this I am not, I’ll be resting.
(5) Celebrate the small steps as much as the grand leaps. Treat yourself to some good energy. Maybe you splurge on something special or maybe, as I often do, you simply put your hand gently over your heart and say, “well done.” However you celebrate your effort, do it. And let that positive energy sink into your being. You are moving in the right direction. And, really, that’s all any of us is capable of doing.
Happy New Year! If you’re planning to make resolutions, try adding gentleness to the mix. If you’re not making any resolutions, be gentle with yourself, too. Let me know how it goes.
warmly,
alison
