dear gentle friends,
This week’s topic may not resonate with everyone. If you’re lucky enough not to know what feeling unworthy is like, thank the universe and skip the rest of this newsletter. If, however, you doubt your own worth from time to time, if you grew up in a family or community where worthiness was bestowed only on certain people or it was something that had to be earned by following specific rules, then this may be helpful for you. I hope it is.
Those of us who know unworthiness, already know that diversions like staying constantly busy, buying things or experiences, and achieving goals does not fundamentally change anything because worthiness is not earned or created. It is a quality of being that simply needs to be recognized. Sounds simple enough, but it’s not. Even when you intellectually know that every human is worthy of respect and love, when you’re not feeling that about yourself no amount of thinking will get you there.
That’s where gentleness comes in.
When we sense ourselves being gentle, we connect with our body and the world around us. Gentleness invites us to expand our knowing beyond our intellect. It asks us to be present with ourselves and life. I think that’s why making a commitment to live gently can be such a powerful tool in connecting with your wiser, kinder, and more authentic self.
Here’s the practice I come back to whenever I sense the familiar twinge of not being good enough:
(1) Find your inner golden retriever
When you’re feeling unworthy, you’re not seeing yourself as you are, and you certainly are not feeling compassion for yourself. Instead of fighting those misconceptions head on, get to a place of clear seeing and compassion by focussing on something that helps you feel gentleness. For me, it’s a golden retriever puppy. I can’t think about that fluffy, tail-wagging creature without feeling all sorts of warm fuzziness, but any soft and cuddly creature will do: kitten, bunny, duckling, frog, even Baby Yoda. It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you find something that immediately warms your soul. You’ll know you’ve found the right creature when your heart melts the moment you imagine her.
(2) Imagine your puppy in good, bad, and neutral circumstances
While you’re sensing your puppy, imagine her doing something our society accepts as “good,” like winning a prize at a dog show. Then ask yourself if you love her more because she accomplished this thing? Next, imagine your puppy in an unpleasant situation. Think about your puppy on the back door step, covered in mud, with an injured paw. Do you feel that she is less worthy of your love now? Finally, imagine your puppy in an entirely neutral situation, like stretching or eating. Do you love her more or less now?
(3) Internalize the truth: You are, always were, and always will be worthy
The genius of this practice is that it shows you just how nonsensical the entire idea of “proving your worthiness” is. You don’t love your puppy less because she got muddy and you don’t love your puppy more because she won a blue ribbon. Your puppy is worthy of love just because she is. And so are you. This isn’t to say that accomplishing goals is bad or that going through hard times doesn’t matter, but neither the good nor the bad touches your inherent worth. Come back to this truth often. Unworthiness will pop up again and again, but you’ll get more skillful at letting that feeling pass without getting hooked.
I’d love to know what your cuddly creature is and whether it helps you remember your worthiness. If you’re feeling it, please share!
warmly,
alison
