dear friends,
It’s the last week in February. The people who keep track of such things say that almost all of us have already “broken” our resolutions. Let’s stop for a moment to acknowledge the problematic language here: we either keep resolutions or we break them?
Hmm…
There’s an old Buddhist story that a student asked the Buddha if all he had to do to live a good life was copy him. The Buddha responded something along the lines of, “I won’t tell you that my way is best. That decision is yours. If you find something that you find appealing, try it out for yourself. If you find that it’s useful, keep it. If find that it’s not, then let it go.” That approach makes much more sense to me than the idea of a resolution that can, in one solitary moment either be “kept” or “broken.” The try-it-and-let-it-go idea is behind the practice quiz I gave myself every week during the year I spent testing whether or not gentleness was a useful approach to life. I called it, rather originally, the Is it right for you? Quiz. It’s a quick way to determine if the time and effort involved in adopting any given practice is worth it.
So, if you’re surveying where you and your resolutions are at the end of February, I hope these questions help you see a little more clearly, let go of those things you don’t need to carry, and find the strength and inspiration to carry the things that you do.
There’s nothing magic here. Here are the questions:
(1) Does the practice/goal/resolution work for me? This may seem to be an obvious question, but if you’re anything like me, you sometimes set a goal and then get fixated on achieving it without pausing along the way to look up and see if you like where you’re going. When you’re trying something you’ve never done before, this is especially important because what you expect and what actually is are two different things. Think of this question as your life equivalent of the drop/add period in college. You’ve taken the class for a few weeks now, is it working for you? If the answer is yes, stay the course. If not, drop it. No harm, no foul.
(2) Is it worth the time and effort? Answering this question requires you to be really honest with yourself, both in terms of how much effort you’re putting in, and, in terms of how much the change improves your life. Get granular. There’s the glow of satisfaction that comes from getting up at dawn to write/workout/meditate, and there’s the exhaustion that sets in just when the rest of your family is ready to hang out in the evening. As they say, “all magic comes with a price.” You can pay anything, but it’s good to be intentional about what you’re gaining and what you’re letting go.
(3) What happens when I mess up? My most heartfelt goals are the ones where every misstep leads in right direction. That’s when I know I’ve stumbled upon a practice that is good for me. A few years ago, I realized meditation had truly become a critical practice in my life when I missed a few days and, then, the first time I sat, my mind was particularly rowdy. What I could have labeled “a few days messing up and then being really bad at meditating” transformed into, “this, too, is the practice.”
(4) Is there progress over time? It’s easy to miss the depth that comes with doing the same thing over and over again. When you assess the practice, ask yourself if there is an independent value to simply doing (or not doing ) the thing for a very long time. Some of the time, there is; but not always.
(5) Are there beneficial synergies? This is my favorite question because it asks you to get curious about unintended consequences. When I became rather disciplined about practicing yoga I noticed that I started drinking less alcohol. Not because of any conscious decision at the time, but because the only time that made sense for me to practice was at the end of the day, which pushed into pre-dinner drink time. There is no way I could do balance poses after having even a sip of wine, so I simply had less time to drink. For me, this was a beneficial synergy because I am making an effort to drink a little less. This can really be a really fun question because, in my experience, it’s amazing how seemingly unrelated benefits sprout up alongside one skillful practice.
Okay. That’s it for this week. I wish you all peace as you let go the resolutions that don’t serve and re-dedicate to the ones that do.
warmly,
alison
p.s. happy birthday, cookie!
