dear friends,
A few week’s ago, I was talking with one of the first readers of this newsletter. She had a suggestion for a weekly topic. After encountering how the word “skillful” comes up in these newsletters, she started to use it in place of the words most of us reach for when we have a choice to make — words like “right,” “good,” and “proper.” When she swapped in the word skillful something in her thinking opened up in ways she hadn’t expected. It’s been a while since I made this switch myself. I assumed that the dramatic changes I saw in my own life were somehow not widely applicable. As I listened to her, though, I was struck by how similar our experiences were. Maybe there really is something to this particular word swap…
Okay, okay. I can already feel the eye rolls.
I know it’s rather a stretch to suggest that a simple vocabulary change can make a difference to your day to day. And the testimony of a writer does little to dissuade ocular rotation. But, although I do have a particular fondness for words and word-smithing, I, too, am skeptical of the power cosmetic word changes have in the real world. Words are imperfect pointers to meaning and getting hung up on the pointers at the expense of the deeper meaning being pointed to is a particular kind of pedantry.
I didn’t want to write a word-centric newsletter any more than anyone else wants to read one, but as I played with how to approach this topic I realized it wasn’t really about word-smithing at all: it was about the deeper meaning being pointed to. It is this deeper meaning, not the word itself, that offers an opportunity to shift your perspective from limiting judgment to expansive observation. And in the process, you may find yourself making more skillful decisions more frequently and with more ease.
Consciously or not, most of us evaluate life on a scale of good versus bad, proper versus improper, right versus wrong. Actions, thoughts and emotions are all subject to this basic categorization. When we get up early to exercise, it’s “good,” and when your brother-in-law skips a family event, it’s “bad.” You get the idea.
So, what happens when you start asking yourself, “What is skillful?”
(1) Your focus shifts to curiosity and away from judgment. When we think in binary terms, it’s easy to take mental shortcuts: we generalize (exercise is “good”) and judge (people who skip family events are “bad”). Most of us do it without thinking. But those shortcuts have consequences. Choosing a word with judgment baked into it tends to decrease our ability to perceive life as it is. If you know anyone passionate about the “rightness” of a cause, you may have a sense of how that focus on rightness clouds the ability to see clearly.
But, when we step into thinking grounded in skillfulness, our focus shifts from judgment and to curiosity. We’re gently guided away from making generalizations and judgments to trying to understand. Our awareness naturally relaxes and broadens. You’re able to see that getting up in the morning to exercise when you’re recovering from an injury may not, actually, be skillful at all. You become open to a fuller view of life, one that allows what is truly meaningful: your brother-in-law who skipped that family event because he was helping to build a hospital in Rwanda made rather a skillful choice.
(2) You’ll see beauty in the skillfully imperfect. As you start thinking in terms of skillfulness, you’ll naturally approach challenges with a broader view. Skillfulness is about our ability to respond to life in a way that embraces its complexity. And life can be complicated. Even something as simple as getting around town requires assessing weather, time of day, traffic conditions, footwear, and whatever you may have to carry: subway for when the weather is bad, shoes are comfortable and you’re not carrying anything heavy; walking for good weather with comfy shoes and not too far to go; and car for those times when you have something unwieldy to carry and/or you’re wearing shoes not made for walking.
Most of the issues we face in life are far more complicated than getting from point A to point B. There are so many competing and contradictory facts, unknowables and uncertain externalities, it’s no wonder that the choices we make are imperfect. When we let go of the single-right-answer delusion, we can celebrate the skillfully imperfect.
(3) Life will unfold with more ease and freedom. When we’re open and curious, the impact of our actions and words is far easier to see. I experienced this dramatically at home. In a rightness mindset, I would bring up a sore topic whenever it suited me (because, of course, I was right). You can imagine just how well that worked. As soon as I started asking myself, “What would be skillful?” my entire approach became more gentle. The things I used to be blind to — timing, vibe, other people’s preferences — became both clear and important to me. Instead of barreling into a conversation, I’d say something along the lines of, “Hey, I’d like to get the house painted. I know you’re not in the head space to talk about it right now. When would be a good time to discuss?” This shift wasn’t performative, it was the natural consequence of stepping away from using judgment-laden vocabulary. And the impact has been and continues to be rather profound.
That’s it for now! If you give this word-substitution practice a try, I hope the results in your life are as beneficial as it has been for me. Have a great week!
warmly,
alison
