dear friends,
An extraterrestrial visiting the Earth today could be forgiven for thinking that humans revere anger and celebrate those who create echo-chambers of circular arguments, stoke animosity against groups who make for useful targets, and generally luxuriate in righteous indignation, resentment, and blame.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s a lot to be angry about in this world. It doesn’t matter where you live, what religion you do or do not identify with, what language you speak, who you voted for or plan to vote for, or what decade you were born in. I could keep going with more of the categories we use to divide ourselves into human subgroups, but you get the point. There are a lot or reasons for a lot of people to want change.
I’m no different. There are situations I would transform in the blink of an eye if I could, but for a moment, let’s set substance aside and get curious about the energy of anger itself. Why we need talk about it honestly and seriously, and how we can learn to handle it more skillfully.
…and why I think our hypothetical alien friend watching humans relish their anger and the fear, hatred, and violence it engenders is wrong.
First, let’s talk basics. Anger is an important human response to all kinds of things. We need to sense anger like we need to sense pain: it signals that something is off. Anger is useful, but if we let it take up residence, it clouds our ability to see reality as it is. When we’re angry, we’re more prone to close our minds to anything that doesn’t support our rightness. We tend to believe conspiratorial thinking, reasoning untethered from facts, and opinions dressed as “evidences.” I’ve been there. I know how good all that righteousness and anger can feel. It’s energizing and comforting to know you’re right and the other is wrong. And what makes anger even more dangerous is that even though we are less likely to see and think clearly when we’re marinating in it, we feel very confident and certain that whatever actions we take in service of our anger is “right.”
That’s why I’m returning to a practice I started years ago to skillfully manage my own anger. It’s a gentle middle ground between suppressing anger (which doesn’t work) and letting it take over (which causes so many of the horrors we’re seeing on almost every continent on the planet right now). The practice is simple, but not easy. It requires grounding in two touchstones: patience and curiosity.
My practice was inspired by a quote often attributed to the Dalai Lama, “The true hero is one who conquers his own anger and hatred.” I interpret this to mean that anger (and anger’s frequent companion hatred) is a normal part of being human. Accepting the reality of anger is not that different from accepting the reality of droughts. When the causes and conditions for a drought are present, skillful humans — the heroes — don’t waste water or tell others to use it with abandon, they accept reality and do what needs to be done to protect life and minimize damage.
So, here’s the practice:
(1) Learn to roll your kayak. Anger is easy: anyone can do it. Just look at all the people shouting diatribes. The next time you sense a cause or condition for anger, instead of letting it take over, think like a kayaker. When your kayak is turned upside down and you’re underwater, you don’t open your mouth and scream. Instead, you right yourself, get a sense of your surroundings, and do what needs to be done to restore your equanimity. For me, this translates into counting breaths at the first sign of anger. This is the simple but not easy bit. I inhale deeply (sometimes silently if I’m in a conversation) then I exhale as slowly as I can (again, discreetly if necessary). If the situation isn’t urgent, I don’t say anything until I sense I’m in calm water again.
If after you’ve shifted your focus to your breath (or whatever works to restore calm) and the anger is still strong, try moving. Have you ever watched dogs after a tense encounter? They shake it off, then return to a state of calm. Go for a run, walk around the block, close your closet door and shake your body or do jumping jacks. Then breathe. Experiment until you find the thing that helps you most reliably. I promise you, it’s worth the effort to learn to how to return to composure.
(2) Get curious about the exact nature of your anger. While focusing on your breathing, try to name the exact flavor of the anger you’re tasting: minor irritation, righteous indignation, rage, a reactivated long-held grudge, inherited prejudice, or a perceived slight. The list is long, but the more specific you can be, the better because the more nuanced your understanding of your inner landscape is, the more you can refine your own responses with increasingly skill. It can actually become sort of a fun labelling game: “mild irritation that the grocery store is out of my favorite yogurt to completely enraged about that Supreme Court decision in [fill-in-the-blank].” The more you become comfortable with the things that irk you, the less power they have.
(3) Respond when you, not the anger, is in control. With time and practice, many of those triggers will just drop away on their own. If my own experience is representative, I can tell you that in less time than you think, you’ll realize that most if not all of the minor things that used to annoy you don’t even register. And even some of the more significant sources of blame and resentment will start to dissolve.
Once the heat dissipates, if there’s something real — true injustice, serious corruption, illegitimate aggression and unprovoked violence — your calmer mind will come up with skillful ways to act. You will be in a position to make a wise decision, possibly a decision with kindness. You will be able to join with others if that makes sense. You’ll be able to do what needs to be done.
(4) And if all else fails, at least do no harm. It’s time that those of us who believe in respect, civility, and non-violence make it clear that peddling in anger and hate, whether we agree with the substance of their positions or not, will not be tolerated. If you’re reading this, you probably already agree. You’re also human, and sometimes it’s really hard to keep your cool. If you find that you’re still simmering, and you can’t simply leave the situation, find yourself a routine default response that will let you express the truth of your anger without making a situation worse. Something along the lines of, “Can we return to this conversation when I’m feeling a little more calm?” or “I’m feeling pretty angry right now. I’d like to talk about this when I’m a little more settled.” Try out as many responses as needed until you come up with one that feels natural to you.
That’s it for this week! Let us all work together to create a global society based on respect, civility, and collaboration in finding solutions to the pressing issues we face today.
warmly,
alison
