dear friends,
I came around the corner of an aisle at the grocery store the other day to find a 24-pack of toilet paper knocked off the shelf. I was pushing a heavy cart and before I could get to the spot to put the toilet paper back, a young man wearing a t-shirt with an aggressive political message did exactly what I was about to do. I was surprised by his small act of civic virtue. He looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back. And then I felt penitent. The reason I was surprised was because I assumed someone wearing a t-shirt expressing such a combative message wouldn’t behave so thoughtfully.
That’s when I realized that I wouldn’t have been surprised if this young man were a friend. I have friends and family from across this country and across the political, religious, and ideological spectrum — I live in Manhattan, and much of my extended family live in Utah and Idaho. I’m pretty certain I have relatives who own the same belligerent t-shirt. I bring this up because I’ve been thinking about the power of seeing with clear eyes, and I’ve come to the unavoidable conclusion that when we assume someone is an enemy, we cannot see clearly. Whatever can said about his t-shirt — and I do not condone what was on the shirt nor do I think it is helpful to display angry, threatening, or hateful symbols — this young man performed a small, thoughtful act.
Why did I feel conscience-stricken? Just days before my grocery-store encounter, I walked with Maria Magdalena Campos-Pons, the Cuban artist and 2023 MacArthur Fellow, in her “Procession of Angels for Radical Love and Unity.” Everyone dressed in white and carried roses. Magda led the quiet procession down Fifth Avenue to Madison Square Park, stopping at historic locations where humanity forgot the truth of our connection.
…and still, I also forgot.
I have taken that forgetting to heart. It’s very hard to see the light in people when we’re looking for what is dark. I’m not saying that there isn’t darkness, but I am saying that seeing life clearly means seeing people as three-dimensional humans like we do our friends. We all have disagreements with our friends from time to time, but we don’t demonize them. We have friends who act in unskillful ways — and we do, too — yet we don’t think twice about forgiving our friends’ human missteps, just as they forgive ours. We don’t disparage our friends, we don’t assume the worst of them, and we don’t wish them harm.
So, I’m recommitting to what was so clear to me as I walked down the streets of Manhattan with all those strangers who were my friends. Friendliness is not a political act, it is a human one. And, I believe, if we want to build a better world, we need to stop looking for reasons to be enemies and start looking for reasons to be friends.
These are the steps I’m taking to help me see my fellow humans not as caricatures, but as they are.
(1) Pay attention to your expectations. Last weekend, I drove to Cleveland from New York City and back. It’s basically a straight line through central Pennsylvania. Most of the political yard signs I saw were not for the presidential candidate I plan to vote for. Instead of letting my reflexive thoughts take hold, though, I consciously let the heat of reaction pass. Only then was I able to notice more than the partisan message. Some of those signs were in lovingly-tended gardens. Who doesn’t love a beautiful garden? I found a friendship connection there. If you’re a football fan, maybe you find a sports connection. Or a hobby connection. It doesn’t much matter, the goal is to find something that reminds you of our shared humanity.
(2) Challenge your “therefore” preconceptions. This is easier said than done, but the payoff in terms of clear-seeing is worth the effort. When our vision is clouded by reactance — the word used to describe our tendency to adopt a contrary belief when pressured to do or believe something we don’t initially like — it’s very difficult to see life as it is because we’re so busy justifying ourselves and finding fault with the other. Once reactance has taken hold, it’s not easy to ride out the impulse, but it can be done. When I find myself jumping from “this person voted for so-and-so” directly to “therefore they must be x,” I stop and go back to the space before “therefore” and ask myself if that step is legitimate. Occasionally it is. There are indeed people who are advocating for and/or actually doing violent and harmful things to our fellow human beings and the planet. But, much of the time, what comes after “therefore” isn’t justified. The times I manage to challenge my “therefore” have left me with a clearer view and richer understanding than I otherwise would have had.
(3) Be friendly to all. I’m not going to any rallies with the young man in the menacing t-shirt, but I know he is as human as I am. And he, like me, is more than his political leanings. Would he make the same allowance for me? I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. My goal is to see life clearly, and that is not dependent upon what another person thinks or does. Being friendly doesn’t mean tolerating dishonesty, violence or corruption, but it does mean forgiving day-to-day human foibles. It is a commitment to the truth that we are all equal in our humanity.
That’s it for this month! As the presidential election in the United States nears, I know this practice will be challenging for me. I also know that it’s possible because I walked the streets of New York City with hundreds of strangers who are already skillful practitioners.
warmly,
alison
