dear friends,
We all can use a little extra love this time of year. I’m not going to list all the stresses that most of us are dealing with right now on planet earth. Suffice it to say, the list is long, and most of the items on it are complicated and intractable. While I’m not above the occasional day dream about escape to a cabin in the woods or a shack on the beach, life is about living even when it is difficult and nothing is guaranteed.
As I started thinking about this month’s challenge, the words that immediately came to mind were “be a good friend to yourself.” At first, I couldn’t quite figure out how that advice could possibly be helpful for this moment, but as I let the thought settle, I realized that being a good friend to ourselves is a skill that serves not only during the holiday season, but will serve no matter what challenges we face in the future.
Why? Because when we’re a good friend to ourselves, we’re grounded in integrity, kindness, and connection. And when we’re firmly planted in those values, we have the space to offer kindness to others, the strength to keep going regardless of the challenge, and the wisdom to know when we need to take care of tender hearts and when we need to support strong backs.
I suspect we all think of similar characteristics when we think of an ideal friend: a person who is wise, kind and fierce. A good friend knows when you need a hug and when you need a kick in the pants. And that friend knows that sometimes you may need a little of both. If you have a wise friend like that, a person who loves you no matter what and is also able to see you clearly and offer honest and helpful feedback, then you’re ahead of the game because you know what good friendship feels like. If you don’t, no worries. This practice will help you get there…it has for me.
Here’s the practice. You’ll know you’re doing it right if you feel a little lighter, happier, more open, forgiving, and hopeful.
(1) Name your inner friend. This may seem odd, even ridiculous, but let me explain. If you have trouble being a good friend to yourself, you probably have a hard time being kind to yourself even though you have no trouble being kind to others. When you give your wise, kind and fierce friend a name that isn’t your own, you can let her/him/them be the things a good friend is without getting bogged down in your own negative self talk. My friend’s name is Angie, in honor of my very best friend from elementary school. This inner Angie is wiser than I am, knows everything about me, and loves me because of and in spite of myself. She also has my best interests at heart, so when I’m tempted to take it easy when it would be more skillful to put in the effort, she’ll let me know.
(2) Each morning before you get out of bed, ask your friend what they’re looking forward to that day. Learning to see our own lives with a little distance is a very helpful practice for clear seeing. It’s also a great way to avoid taking the good things in our own lives for granted. On days when I can’t come up with anything, Angie will remind me that even my regular grocery store run is something to be savored: the walk there is nice even in the rain, and the store itself is a friendly emporium of bright and beautiful fruits and veggies, tempting cheeses, and comforting breads. Most days, Angie will come up with even better things (“Jazz Club and dancing with friends tonight!” or “Visiting the new CooperHewitt exhibit with my daughter this afternoon.”).
(3) At least once during the day check in with your friend. Start with checking in when you already have a natural pause: picking up your lunch, waiting for the subway, cleaning up after dinner. It doesn’t matter when you do it, but it does matter that you do it consistently. When you take that moment to check in, the questions you want your friend to answer are: (1) How are you doing at that moment? and (2) What, if anything, do you need?
This step may seem simple and silly, but it is highly effective. All those faith and wisdom traditions are correct: all of us already have what we need inside of us. But, some of us have trouble accessing the ability to see that. Your wise friend will know how you’re doing (content, exhausted, happy, frustrated, relaxed) and will also know what you need (a nap, a run, a hot shower, a good book, ordering in dinner instead of making it). After some practice, you’ll find that life flows more easily as you become more connected to the present. You’ll become that wise person who knows what she needs and when she needs it.
(4) When your head hits the pillow, ask your friend what she’s grateful for that day. The psychological benefits of gratitude are well-established, but training ourselves to truly feel thankful in a world of instant gratification and obscene materialism is a challenge. By letting your inner friend guide this process, you will be able to feel the subtle and simple joys of your own life, the things that really make living richer, fuller, and more meaningful. There are days when Angie will say she’s grateful for the green faux-fur coat I just bought, but more often than not her answer is the orange and pink sunrise, having dinner at home with the whole family, or a kind note from a friend. Over time, if your experience is anything like mine, your ability for being grateful will expand. You’ll find smaller and less obvious moments to be thankful for. You’ll find that gratitude becomes a constant presence in your days. And you’ll be that good friend, to yourself and to others.
That’s it for December. I wish you all joy and peace and friendship as we say good-bye to this year and welcome in a new one. See you in January!
with love,
alison
