dear friends,
Have you ever tried to make a cat purr?
If you’re smiling because this is a ridiculous question, you’re right, it is. We all know it’s impossible to force a cat to do anything, let alone purr. But, if you can create the right conditions — a spot on a cushion in a puddle of afternoon sun — and you’re lucky, you may be graced with purring. Some things unfold only in gentleness. We all know this, yet most of us don’t extend that innate understanding to the rest of our lives. We continue to subscribe to the thinking that the only way to reach our goals is by making it happen.
I’m not arguing against drive, discipline and making an effort, what I am suggesting, though, is that being able to turn the dial from force to gentleness when the situation calls for it helps life flow more easily. The concept is simple: Sometimes we want the music to be loud, and sometimes we want it to be soft. Skillful musicians can do both, and everything in between. The difference for us in a non-music setting is that we don’t have a score instructing us to play forte or dolce, we have to figure that part out on our own.
This is very much a live practice for me. I tend to push and push hard. I’ve found it difficult to accept that there are times when my efforts not only don’t get me the results I want, but that my efforts actually harm my chances of success. Yet, that is the ineluctable truth: sometimes doing less, pushing less, wanting less is the most skillful way of being. Sometimes, being gentle is not only the best way, it’s the only way. Like creating the conditions to put a cat be in the mood to purr.
So, here’s my practice:
(1) Think about what happens next. After you hit send on that email to your boss, after you sign the lease on an apartment in the new city, after you set that boundary with your mother-in-law? Our ability to accurately predict the future isn’t perfect, but it doesn’t have to be. I’ve been surprised by how often this exercise alerts me to important things I hadn’t noticed before. A little time travel into an imagined future state helped me delete a snarky comment from a text a few days ago because I could see how unhelpful it was in the wider context, and also because I realized that I didn’t want to be a person who sends snarky comments out into the universe. This thought experiment doesn’t have to take more than a few seconds, although it can. The goal is simply to get a clear view of your impact, both for you and for everyone else.
(2) Match your action with skillful energy. When you’re struggling with that last pushup in your workout, listening to upbeat music helps. Energy. Sometimes, it all comes down to energy. When you’re trying to get an over-tired toddler to sleep, you want calming energy; when you’re holding the line on a curfew with a teenager, you want I-love-you-and-don’t-try-me energy; and when you’re negotiating a raise, you want I’m-good-at-what-I-do-and-we-both-know-it energy. Outcomes tend to be better when our actions are aligned with intentional energy. Pump-up-the-Jam is great for a tough workout, not so great at your toddler’s bedtime. Making sure that our own energy is supporting our actions is such a simple step, but one so easily forgotten. I still forget, but most of the time I ask myself two questions before I’m going to do anything that matters, “What’s my energy right now?” and then “Is that energy serving the larger purpose?” The first question anchors me in the present moment and serves as a check-in, which is always a good thing. The second encourages me to see clearly, also, always a good thing. If you’re anything like me, at first you’ll forget to ask these questions 90% of the time. But the outcomes from the 10% when you do remember will be so good that pretty soon you’ll be remembering most of the time.
(3) Make it gentle. Gentleness is definitionally subjective, which means you alone are the best person to determine whether and how to do something gently. When you conclude that doing the thing gently is the most skillful approach, your challenge is to figure out exactly how to do that. What I’ve found helpful is to think in terms of gentle-adjacent inquiries: Can I do this in a more incremental way? Is it possible to leave more time between steps? Can I slow things down? Can I make it simpler, easier, less burdensome? Is there someone who can help? Can I step away for a beat or two? You get the idea. With practice, you’ll become more skilled at the nuances of gentleness. You’ll start to naturally see solutions to problems in unlikely-but-easeful places. You’ll probably also start to notice that you’re a little more relaxed because there isn’t a challenge I’ve encountered yet that can’t be broken down into pieces that can be handled gently. And even the tiniest step in the right direction gets you closer to where you want to be.
That’s it for this week!
warmly,
alison
