dear friends,
One of my favorite Buddhist thinkers on the planet is Sharon Salzberg. Years ago, I was lucky enough to be in the second row of one of her guided meditations at the Rubin Museum. I can’t remember the subject of her dharma talk or how she guided the meditation, but what I do recall is an all-encompassing sense of peace and forgiveness. When I use the word forgiveness here, I’m not referring to a step-by-step process we go through when, intentionally or not, we’ve hurt another person. The forgiveness Sharon Salzberg described is grounded in gentleness and has nothing to do with self flagellation. This forgiveness is best summed up in one of her famous quotes: “The healing is in the return, not in never having wandered to begin with.”
Most of us are pretty hard on ourselves. When we lapse from our good habits or relapse into our bad ones, we can marinate for days (months? years?) in shame and self-criticism. While it’s important to be accountable for our thoughts, words and actions, it’s equally important to move on to the next moment with an open heart. To wander is to be human. When we meet our humanity with a gentle chuckle and some affection, “Ah, here I go again…” we’re able to move through life with more ease. As counterintuitive as this may sound to those of us who grew up in punishment-centric religious communities, learning to forgive ourselves creates a space not only where we can forgive ourselves, but we become more compassionate and forgiving of others as well.
Here’s my practice for returning to an open heart. And I practice this often.
(1) Learn your signs. What physical sensations signal that you’re holding on to shame or self judgment? Do you feel a knot in your stomach or do you clench your jaw? Learn the cues your body sends when your unforgiving mind takes over. We’re all different, so honor your uniqueness by getting granular. Does a certain topic of conversation hook you into an angry spiral? Pay attention with kindness. This step is not about judging yourself, it’s about learning to be a more skillful human.
(2) Be your own pit crew. If you’ve ever seen a Formula 1 race, you’ve probably watched with a certain degree of awe how quick and efficient the pit crews are. Each crew member identifies what needs to be fixed and goes about fixing it. There’s no time for ruminating, blame, or what-iffing. They attend to what needs tending and move on. In our day-to-day life, that translates into accepting what happened, making amends if appropriate, and then getting back in the race.
(3) Soak in the sun. Our brains are hardwired to seek out the negative, which served us well when making a mistake could make us into a lion’s lunch. That’s not the situation most of us are living in now, but our brains haven’t been updated yet. We have an innate tendency to stew in our own self-criticism. One of the best ways to retrain your brain is to create a habit of paying attention to good things when they happen, and letting that good attention be felt in our bodies. Think of this practice like turning your face toward the sun on a cold winter day. When a friend sends you a text because she’s thinking of you, let that initial smile shine into your heart, feel the warmth of friendship in your toes or wherever you sense it. There is no wrong way to do this. You’re on the right track when your body feels relaxed and open…and you feel a sense of goodwill toward yourself (which naturally radiates outward).
And that’s it for now! Wishing you all a week where you find the sun on a cloudy day.
warmly,
alison
