dear gentle friends,
Last week, with the help of dear family and friends, my brother and I cleaned out our dad’s home. To say that my father holds onto material things would be an understatement. The mess ranged from serious clutter to deep hoarder (to the tune of three dumpsters). Along with the cleaning, we’re also untangling finances, selling the house, and, most importantly, finding the appropriate care level for a happy living situation. As anyone who has helped care for a loved one can tell you, it’s a lot. And we’re still deep in the weeds (credit card and utility companies to call, a car and furniture to be sold, a home to be found for the aging cats).
I’m not proud to admit that I’ve had my fair share of grumpy moments. We’ve been trying for years to help my dad with all of this, but he angrily refused our offers. Now, every day when I handle another problem that was entirely avoidable, I hear a loud voice in my head yelling, “It didn’t need to be like this!”
That voice isn’t wrong … and, yet, it is like this.
No amount of re-playing all the efforts we made in the past changes the reality of the current situation. And while I bounced between feeling mad (“This mess!”) and feeling bad for feeling mad (“He’s my dad! I love him!”), I watched my brother just get on with the work. Calmly, competently, and with compassion. He didn’t complain about the difficulty of the situation, he assessed what needed to be done, and went about doing it.
At first, I chalked up my brother’s behavior to his natural laid-back personality, but when I started paying close attention, I realized that there was a gentle practice at work, one grounded in acceptance and connection. The practice is automatic for my brother, but I’ve broken it down into three simple steps that I’m experimenting with to more skillfully navigate the rougher patches of life.
So, if you find yourself in the middle of “it shouldn’t be this way!” here’s simple-but-not-easy practice:
(1) Accept this moment exactly as it is. At first, I thought this step wouldn’t be a challenge because, “I’m not delusional. Of course, I know that how things are is how things are.” But I’ve come to realize that understanding reality and accepting it are two very different things. My head can be very clear about what is happening, but I know that part of me is resisting if there is tension in my stomach (that’s where resisting energy shows up for me, but it may show up for you in your jaw, throat, chest or someplace else entirely). I might be searching for someone or something to blame, maybe I’m nursing some resentment about how the situation came about, or, possibly, I’m just feeling sorry for myself.
Once I’m aware that part of me is resisting, I get curious. I’ll actually put my hand on my belly and ask what’s going on. If I can be quiet for a few moments, the answer usually comes rather clearly, like, for example, “If we had only done X like I wanted to, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” Then, I hold the quiet for another moment to assess whether the resisting energy has a point. If it does, I acknowledge it, “You’re right, if we had done X like you wanted to, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” Somehow, the simple act of recognizing that there’s a legitimate point loosens the tension, like a teacher calling on the student desperately waving her hand. Keep the inquiry going until the tension dissipates.
(2) Connect with those who can help. It’s easy to feel alone when times are rough. A lot of us — and I count myself front and center here — keep ourselves isolated when we’re in the middle of something difficult, as though we’re preventing contagion. My brother’s approach, though, is not to isolate. Instead, he simply focuses on the most effective approach for handling the situation. Last week, for example, after we spent four hours cleaning, we went through the house and estimated the man hours needed to finish. It was immediately clear that if we were going to be done before our return flights, we needed help. And so we hired two extraordinarily efficient people to do exactly that. This is a small example, but it demonstrates the underlying truth that almost all challenges we face in life can be more skillfully handled when we ask for help…even when that help is a long hug from a dear friend.
(3) Accept that good enough is good enough. This step is crucial. Now is not the time for perfectionism (or beating yourself up for not being perfect). When you’re in the middle of one of life’s rough patches, what matters is the general direction you’re heading. Last week, as I went through bookshelf after bookshelf coated in dust, I had to remind myself that the goal was to make it better than it was, not to pass a white-glove test. It’s hard to accept that sometimes good enough has to be good enough, but I’m finding that it can be done.
First, take a moment to acknowledge that what you’re doing may not be as excellent as you would like. Then, ask yourself if what you’re doing really is good enough. Usually the answer to both questions will be “yes.” Then, and this is critical, take a step back to acknowledge the broader circumstances. You can actually say, “This is the best I can do right now and it’s good enough.” Repeat as often as needed.
That’s it for this week! I’m going to be working with this practice until it becomes a little more automatic. In the meantime, I’d love to hear if this is helpful for you when navigating tough times.
warmly,
alison
