A few months ago, an old habit waltzed back into my life. It’s not the disastrous kind that is so bad it can’t be ignored. Nope. It’s a habit I can pretend is harmless for a really long time, until I can’t. I was in full ignoring-mode when I zipped up a pair of jeans I hadn’t worn in a while and they were, uh, snug. I had to admit to myself that my late-night snacking was having an impact on my life that I didn’t want. To be clear, my snacking is not about eating healthful nourishing food my body needs. This snacking has nothing to do with hunger or what is good for my body and everything to do with me feeling anxious, sad, or stressed. And I almost always have a snack-hangover the next morning as I throw away the empty bag of popcorn or container of ice cream.
How to respond to a habit you wish you didn’t have with gentleness? Well, here’s the practice I’m testing:
(1) Can you let go of the self-judgment? If your normal response is to berate yourself with all kinds of harsh judgments, try treating yourself like a dear friend who’s struggling to kick a bad habit. In other words, acknowledge the work you’re doing toward a good end and also honor the fact that you are a human doing the best you can. Slip ups are part of the process.
(2) Are you being gentle to the person you will be tomorrow? If you know you’re going to have a fill-in-the-blank hangover, think about being kind to the person who will be waking up in the morning. Treat your future self with gentleness, which might mean putting the ice cream away and making a cup of tea instead. The energy is not that different from doing a favor for someone you like. You do all kinds of things that are inconvenient, difficult or annoying for the people you care about. Remember: you are someone you care about. Show kindness to your future self.
(3) Is there any way to make the process even gentler? When we’re struggling with a persistent unskillful habit, it’s very easy to get caught in the I-messed-up-once-might-as-well-throw-in-the-towel-until-Monday-or-next- month spiral, which of course only lets the habit gain strength. But by focusing on making the change process gentle you can interrupt that all-or-nothing reaction. Instead, celebrate each small step in the skillful direction and decline to catastrophize the inevitable slip ups. Slowly but surely, you’ll become a better friend to the person you will be in the morning.
